Lunchtime in America 

1 April 2014

Despite the date, I kid you not about the content below. This is a real story reported by actual talking-head reporters on multiple websites (e.g. http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/man-sues-mcdonald-napkin-article-1.1708068)

The problem is that in its telling and retelling, the rapidly narcotized, minibyte attention span, e-reading public in the U.S. and internationally is led to accept nonsense like this as just another story, rather than proof that civilization is just about done for.  I think it's time to correct this wearying trend by re-writing stories like this accurately.   What follows is the original version (from a deliberately unidentified website which nevertheless shares verbiage with the identified website because coherent prose is so f-ing rare nowadays) which got published in...of all places...Japan!

What follows that is the Emails From Earth version, lightly edited for enhanced versimilitude to actual events.
 

The Original Version That Got Published in Japan:
How many napkins are you offered with your order at McDonald's? Do you think it's enough? One man is suing the Golden Arches for a lack of napkins after only receiving one at his local McDonald's. According to TMZ, Webster Lucas was unhappy with his local McDonald's in Pacoima, CA after he received just one napkin. When he asked for more, Lucas claims he was denied. That did not sit well with Lucas, who told the manager on duty, "I should have went to eat at the Jack-in-the-Box because I didn't come here to argue over napkins. I came here to eat." According to Lucas, who is African American, the manager then made a racially-motivated remark, allegedly saying something about "you people." (The manager is reportedly Latino.) After the verbal disagreement, Lucas emailed the general manager of the McDonald's to say that Napkingate caused him "mental anguish," which has prevented him from working. The general manger offered Lucas free burgers, but Lucas instead decided to sue McDonald's for $1.5 million. Based on this account, do you think Lucas deserves compensation?

The Revised Version:
How well do you understand life in America? Do you think it's enough? One man saw an opportunity to make some BIG Money in the typical American Way. Webster Lucas saw his chance at a local McDonald's in Pacoima, CA. After he allegedly received (according to him) just one napkin, Lucas cried out publicly that he needed more and could not get them - even though they are dispensed free and without limit at every McDonalds on the planet. Since the typically Spanish speaking, probably-minimum-wage, quasi-legal, Hispanic menial he was dealing with could probably not understand what he was ranting and raving about, Lucas, who has some partial African ancestry, then cried out that a McDonalds Manager had muttered something about "you people". Seizing this opportunity, the eager Lucas ran to a delighted California lawyer who also saw a chance to make REALLY BIG Money by creating an otherwise non-existent "incident". The lawyer instantly labelled what Lucas thought he heard as a "racially-motivated remark" knowing this would attract intense news coverage. At the lawyer's urging, Lucas emailed the general manager of McDonald's to say that the manufactured "incident" caused him "mental anguish," which prevented him from going to work. Regardless of how idiotic this was, the general manger, awed by the great edifice of Justice in America, offered Lucas free hamburgers. Having no interest whatsoever in food, the excited Lucas and his equally breathless lawyer are suing McDonald's for $1.5 million. Based on this account, do you think Lucas and the lawyer should be tried and executed for diverting important attention away from the serious problems which truly plague our people and our planet?