"Bee Nott On My Syde"  As Wednesday is the Bard’s 450th Birthday, it is perhaps appropriate that one of the lesser-known plays from what the French refer to as Le Folio Questionable of 1616 be at last put before the public. Here then, for the first time in print is, in two acts:

BEE NOTT ON MY SYDE 

Ye True and Tragicall Tayle of how a King, striving to doo Goode and bee Liberal, can indeed Lose a Kingdom over a Horse 

Scene: 
A Great City by the Sea 

Dramatis Personae: 
Dinken – A former King 
Giulianus – Another former King 
Bloomenborg – A Buyer and Seller of Kingdoms 
Diblasius – The current King 
Letamon – A witty but churlish fellow 
Lenos – Another witty but churlish fellow 
Finche – A motley foole 

ACT I 
Enter Lenos and Letamon, bras-en-bras 

Lenos – Why, how now master Letamon. Why stare’st thou so at thy i-pod?

Letamon - Pish for thee, thou cow-eared dog! I have just now deposited my residuals and severance checques and find me well over 100 million florins in wealth!  ...ifaith Lenos, why now twerkst thou so?  

Lenos – Easily have I outstripped thee, thou braggart vile and damned furious wight!

Letamon – Oh ho! Then shalt thou purchase yet another aged and sagg’ed waggon at king’s ransom cost?

Lenos – Not in a pigg’s eye. Now I shall purchase ALL the dregs and rinds of Chysler and rename it The Lenos! – Laughter 

Letamon – Verily, we are well away with our loot. But list! We be but mites beneath the foote of the Mighty Bloomenborg. Hee could but, if hee wished, now buy Portugal and use it only for the fishe. Betimes, how came hee by his great wealth and power?

Lenos – Ah, I heard it in this wise… In the last days of King Dinken, when all prated on how hee had squandered the City’s gold on undeserving louts, there rose up Giulianus who promised to bee a Liberal, improve ye Qualitie of Lyfe - and yet reduce taxes.

Letamon – Was his mind aright?

Lenos – I know not, but this rested not easy in his bosom and quickly made he friends with police and billionaires, and sought upon himself greater power and glory

Letamon – Lenos, thou hast spoke true; His heart is fracted and corroborate.

Lenos – Remember thou how he danced and orated upon the rubble of WTC and called for War, knowing this would both increase his glory, his power, and his appearances on CNN? Among his allies was Bloomenborg.  Already fat with gold, hee too lusted for power and knew hee had only to wait.  

Letamon – Aye, and Giulianus, lock’ed with death-grip to his lust for greater glory through more police and more Orange Alerts drew heavy laws upon the people, forsook the Law of the Land for himself and when his time was done threated the City Council to give him yet more.  But then arose Bloomenborg who quoth: “Ha, art thou bedlam? Thy time is done, base oppressor. I shall now offer the people both security and MY style of Qualitie of Lyfe.”

Lenos – And the people, seeing only “Security” bethought: “… z’blood, hee is rich so must be hee smart alike!” and readily made him king. Verily then, confusing himself with Godd, sought he to take tobacco and Large Cokes also away and made yet more cudgel-swinging police until the people groaned and cried out “enough”.

Letamon – Aye and so arose the most gracious Diblasius; calling himself again Good-Hearted and Liberal…but hold, enough of this! Let us away to the golf links at Monaco, for I fear my gold is but little used!

 Exeunt both 



ACT II 
Enter Diblasius and Finche, pushing a heavy electric car 

Diblasius – Why, beatest’s thou a dead horse Finche? My mind is firm on this matter.

Finche - Pray your Grace but clap an eye on the headlights!   In faith e’en the Blind would see them as Hong Kong Garish! Overall the waggon looketh both cheape and fake. Thinkst thou a swain and’s mistress would covet a midnight dalliance through ye park on such a thing?

Diblasius – But my heart bleeds for the poor horse who might be whipped and forced to plod this heavy trade…

Finche – Then e’n in please your grace, out of love for you, I bid thee bind up those wounds and shed not another drop of heart’s juice for these nags who, I’m told, delight in this service. Woulds’t thou have them better at the glue factory?  Their sires and grandsires did the same service and liked it well. Vouchsafe it that many now would think thee a bedlam natural, save those that curse thee a slave to the moneybagged fooles at PETA who did help make thee King.

Diblasius – But the people have had enough of Bloomenborg!  I must be a Liberal who loveth all. Have I not taken a comely Moor to wife? Dine I not with those loathe to report their dalliance in this countrie to the State?   Like I not the Spring flowers?

Finche – Ah your Grace, e’en it all be widely known, This city hath so many more heavy-pressing issues that thy love for flowers, illegals and horses, makes thee look the foole and tyrants the like of Giulianus, who would in a moment roast and eat ye horse, seem sane.  -  Hark! while police yet beat white-maned ancients while you prate about horses another Rational Progressive leaves your army and wants not to be hailed as your ally.

Dilblasius – Watche thy tongue foole or I will have it out!

Finche – Then I leave thee thus…there is much of great Matter to be done in this evil city. Thou’rt now king. Lose not thy kingdom for a horse!

Finis